“That shouldn’t be here. I don’t like this.” DEATH approached the car carefully, as if it might actually have been a ravenous tiger that had mastered the trickier elements of the art of disguise.
“Yes, this is unusual.” SPACE replied, keeping her distance.
“See what chaos brings you?” DEATH sneered, tapping the drivers’ side front tyre with the end of their scythe handle. His delight at the sight of the Viking funeral pyres on the plain below them had dissipated quickly in a fog of old green metal.
“Oh, I don’t know.” TIME’s eyes had lit up. Despite technically being ahead of its time by approximately nine-hundred years, TIME considered the car to be something of a classic, thus proving two things; it was possible to be a cutting edge antique and; TIME knew diddly-squit about cars.
“I’ve always fancied trying my hand at driving one of these. Ladies, after you.” TIME held the rear passenger door open. LIFE scrambled across the seats to the far window, giggling all the way.
SPACE stepped in cautiously.
“I guess we don’t have much to be afraid of here.” She said, as TIME closed the door behind her with a regal bow. He then walked around the back of the car and with a giddy grin on his face, climbed in behind the steering wheel.
“I’ll be fucked sideways if I’m walking on my own.” DEATH slumped into the front passenger seat, placing the scythe upright between his legs.
“Mind that please!” SPACE squashed her head against the window to avoid the gleaming blade. She felt nauseous in such a confined environment.
“Are those fucking driving gloves?!” Incredulous, DEATH did his best impression of SPACE’s eye roll. TIME beamed back at him in response before over choking the engine as it whimpered towards running.
After a few jolts forward, eliciting further gleeful giggles from LIFE and pained moans from SPACE, TIME finally got the Punto rolling. And so, the little green car with its cargo of cosmic masters spluttered its way down the hillside towards the Viking feast, reaching previously unfathomable speeds of 43 miles per hour.
“Are we there yet?” LIFE asked as they reached the flat plain, elongating the ‘there’, until it dripped with petulance.
“No, my dear…” TIME replied, cutting DEATH off before he could respond more forcefully.
“Why don’t you just look out of the window and make patterns from the stars.”
“But I’m bored. Nothing is happening.” LIFE crossed her arms dramatically over her chest. TIME kept his foot on the pedal, the Punto began to lurch and thump over the uneven ground.
“Are you sure you know what you’re doing?” DEATH tried to sound angry, but missed by some distance and just sounded like he was concerned about soiling himself. He held on to the dashboard for dear… nevermind, he’d never admit that.
As they were nearing the Viking pyres with TIME keeping his foot hard on the accelerator the car hit a particularly obstinate mound on the passenger side and everybody lurched to the right.
DEATH’s scythe slipped from his hand and the top of the handle caught TIME hard in his left eye. He howled in pain, swinging his right hand to clasp his eye and in doing so threw the car into a violent left hand spin. The glove compartment flew open and crashed down on DEATH’s knee.
“FUUUUUC…!” DEATH was cut off when the car slammed into a mound and came to an abrupt halt, engine hissing. LIFE started clapping and threw her head back giggling ferociously. SPACE, shaken up, was trying to find the door handle. TIME was silent, clutching his left eye tightly.
They each clambered out of the car and SPACE threw up on the ground. DEATH hobbled forwards leaning heavily on his scythe. TIME was blind in one eye, throbbing in tremendous pain. LIFE began to dance under the stars.
“I’m ever so sorry everyone. I rather lost control of proceedings. Immense fun though.” He tried fixing his single eye on anyone that would listen. He only found DEATH.
“You can fuck the whole fuck off.” DEATH snapped back, although as he did so, he reached inside his cloak and handed TIME a black eye patch to cover his swollen and bloody eye. He then started lumbering towards the fires, continuing to put his weight on the scythe. The others all followed him.
After a few minutes silent, careful walk and hobble, the four all stood in a line watching the Viking feast. Shields were scattered through the tall grass, alongside dented helmets and weapons caked in dry blood. Over a hundred men, women and children were gathered, singing, drinking and feasting around the growing flames that carried the fallen warriors into the afterlife. The crowd was boisterous, celebratory and absolutely smashed out of their horned helms.
“How much do they value their lives? See how they embrace death, they celebrate you.” SPACE, having decided that this was a teachable moment, looked forwards while talking. No one replied, although both LIFE and DEATH gazed on with contentment. TIME couldn’t get his depth perception sorted and found the dancing flames very confusing.
“They feel every single bit of life, and they treat death as though embarking on a glorious journey. But would they argue that their time, their space is uncomplicated?”
Now, what the four did not quite appreciate is that this Viking revelry was just entering its fourth straight day. Not only had the Vikings been drinking a particularly potent mead of Olaf Flamebeard’s own brewing, but they had also been mixing in pipes stuffed full of the bitter leaf that grew on the mountainside. In short, and without putting too fine a point on the matter, these Vikings were blissed off their nordic tits. Indeed, some were reaching new transcendent heights of consciousness in which they started to hallucinate strange visions. Including, for some of the more violent clansfolk, a figure hooded in black with a skeleton white moth on its shoulder and a large scythe in its hand.
Bjorn Bearskin stared at the somber figure a moment before throwing down his mead-horn and picking up his axe.
“VIKINGS!” he shouted, dribbling remnants of the beer into his thick beard. “I behold brother death is with us.” The others around him stopped their singing and followed his pointing finger which lead them all to look straight at DEATH.
“What the fu…”
“Pick up your blades brothers and sisters of blood! Let us conquer death together and write our names in the songs of our ancestors!” At this, a dozen of the Vikings threw back their heads in wild screams and started charging towards the four.
“Oh shit!” DEATH turned to the others.
LIFE started to back away “This is new. I think we gotta boogie gang. SPACE, do something, you brought us here!”
They all turned to flee back towards the car (not that it would help them in its current state) but immediately DEATH lagged behind the others, hobbling as he was, on his injured knee. The moth took off from his shoulder and flew briskly towards the others.
“Oh well fuck you too!” DEATH roared at the moth as he turned to face the advancing hoard.
“I’ll have you joining your fallen clansmen in silent glory if that’s what you bastards crave!” He lifted his scythe unsteadily over his head. One of the Vikings hiccuped and fell over their own feet having mistaken a bump in the ground for a serpents head, impaling themself on their own sword as they went over.
“HA! That bastards mine now” DEATH cheered, and he began to swing his scythe in a celebratory arc. His knee gave a sickening crack under the weight of the swing and he collapsed sideways with a yelp.
LIFE, TIME and SPACE all made it back to the Fiat Punto and turned around just in time to watch as Bjorn Bearskin fell upon DEATH with a scream that would curdle mortal blood.
And the Vikings conquered death and immortality ensues. Sounds mostly boring to me, immortality is.
This is my favorite installment yet. The whole story arc elevated with the sudden appearance of the Punto, barreling down into the midst of a Viking post raid rave shortly thereafter. Douglas Adams-esque but more grounded in archetypes - totally my cup of tea.
Also all four of these have had me laughing out loud like an idiot. One of my favorites from this one: "(Death) held on to the dashboard for dear… nevermind, he’d never admit that."
And I cannot begin to thank you enough for mentioning my work! Your thoughts and feedback were super helpful. It really is a coincidence that this installment is my favorite yet.