My name is Ben, and this is my pen. I write mostly fiction, mostly fantasy/magical realism with some poetry thrown in because why not. And sometimes I will write things that are not either of those even slightly. I will usually be attempting to make you laugh. So please bear that in mind!
If, like Aerosmith, you don’t want to miss a thing, please do:
Happy weekend everyone.
Last week I finished off the Four Orders Series - I’m really grateful for all of the comments and encouragement from readers. It’s been fantastic to hear from you how much you enjoyed reading the series. I did say that the ‘Universe’ that I was playing in was part of something bigger I was working on. I am planning a full novel-length story with DEATH as the main character - although it’s not the DEATH you meet in the Four Orders series.
As part of the process of writing the story, I am working through Lisa Cron’s fantastic book ‘Story Genius’. I cannot recommend this book enough. It’s incredibly eye-opening as a beginner writer. Within the book, Lisa sets a series of exercises to determine the misbelief that drives your characters inner conflict. The main piece below is where our new DEATH, recently in post after her father abandoned his post and her, feels her misbelief set in for the first time. It won’t appear (probably) in the final story, but it helps me drive the emotion that underpins the whole plot.
Over the next few weeks I’ll be posting these little vignettes as I start to piece together some of the key themes that will already be in motion when my story actually begins.
But first…
Haiku of the Week
My son calls these flowers ‘poppatils’ - and they are out in force here in Kent. It’s a real contrast between the wild weather, interspersed with bright cold days of winter and the itchy eyes and emerging colours of spring.
If you like a little haiku on your cornflakes, why not make sure you never miss one…
Two plus two.
I leant over the toilet bowl, letting the cold tiles shock my finger tips – the distraction was helpful. My stomach was a twisting sloshy knot and I felt like I was going to puke my insides out, but nothing happened. I just knelt there feeling like, well like death I suppose.
After a few more minutes of dry heaving, just to encourage something into the u-bend, I lifted myself up, using the scythe to take my trembling weight. I felt a little better for just having had a couple of minutes to myself, in the quiet where I could think. Except, thinking betrayed me, and I started to wonder if I couldn’t just… stay here?
I thought that perhaps I could make this my realm. I could efficiently administer the function of death within this toilet. Like a franchise. My blurry eyes found my reflection in the mirror and for a moment I seemed completely ridiculous. Becoming ‘DEATH of Toilets’ wouldn’t work. Somehow that felt like it would prove him right. I looked myself in the eyes – or rather, I looked at the point where I assumed my eyes were, the deep black hood was completely disorientating – and I started to remember him. I felt tears hit my cheeks and the hood started shaking.
It was unstoppable, my memory kicked in and I could see it all so clearly. He was stood over my shoulder as I sat behind his desk. He had taught me how to properly polish the scythe blade and I was finishing off the blunt edge. He was testing me.
“What you cleaning the dull edge for? That bit don’t even do anything.”
I didn’t even look up, I was engrossed. “Because if a job is worth doing, it’s worth doing properly.”
I heard the smile before I even looked up at him. The room felt warmer, lighter somehow. I lifted my gaze and a huge toothy grin had walloped itself across his face. He placed his hand on my head, I was still small and I could feel the span of his grip so large on my skull. His thumb rested on my crown, while his little finger absently stroked the top of my neck.
“You’re so bloody clever my girl.” His words filled me all the way up.
A knock at the toilet door yanked me back into my current predicament. I tried to hold on to that memory as hard as I could, I scrunched my eyes to grip it tighter. Dad from before he’d given up on me.
“Are you alright in there, Master? Everyone is ready for you.” I hated CHAOS calling me ‘Master’. I straightened myself up. Good thing about the hood; if I couldn’t see my tears, they couldn’t see them either.
“Coming now.”
CHAOS followed behind gingerly, clearly as unsure of our new relationship as I was. I made my away across the atrium and into the Cabinet room where they were all waiting for me. As I entered they stopped talking, like they were penguins in a zoo that had just been caught openly complaining about the weather.
The room wasn’t as fancy as I had expected. It was just a room, big enough for twenty or so cosmic entities all sat around a large, old wooden table with what seemed like ages of marks and scratches and notches. He’d always had a thing for Vikings, and this table looked like he might have just lifted it from the feast halls of Valhalla. Instead of Valkyries and Warriors gathered around it though, I had my Cabinet members, and they were all poised for me to fall on my arse. Except for REPRESSION, who had fallen asleep at the far end.
I searched my memory for any of the vast tomes of information my dad had made me study on each of them over the years, but came up blank. I was already failing; this was going to be a disaster.
‘Deep breath’ I told myself. I could feel CHAOS sat behind me, could hear her shuffling papers like she was totally confident in the normal process of things. I wasn’t even aware we had needed papers. ‘Big girl pants.’
“Thank you all for waiting.” My voice croaked getting from the ‘you’ to the ‘all’ and almost buggered off completely navigating the ‘waiting’. No change in expressions. I went on. ‘Now or never.’
“I am very grateful for the support you have each shown me over the past three weeks while I have tried to find my bearings.” I was surprised by the formality in my voice, but figured I was using the words as armour; trying to keep them all at arms’ length. I was answered with small nods of self-approval from each of them. They clearly agreed with me that, yes, they were all bloody marvellous.
“However, I propose that someone else, one of you guys specifically I guess, take on the role of DEATH instead of me.”
The smiling stopped. CHAOS choked and spilt the meticulously shuffled papers. DENIAL just shook her head at the ceiling. I pushed on.
“I… I am not yet ready to take on this most serious responsibility. I need time to complete the training my uhh… to complete the training I have started, before assuming my obligations fully. So, please do, erm, choose. One of you. To be a temporary, stand-in, DEATH.”
Absolute silence. All the sound had been sucked out of the air, along with all of the air. I could feel the heat of the collective gaze upon me, could feel their searching eyes on my prickling skin. They had seen what they needed, heard what they expected. I had confirmed for them what they already knew to be abundantly true. I couldn’t do this.
Sweat started to gather on my forehead, the robe and hood felt so heavy, so oppressive on my shoulders. Dad had been right. I wasn’t good enough. I deserved to be abandoned before he could see me fail, before having to endure watching me destroy everything for which he had worked so hard.
MAYHEM started to laugh. A little ‘on the nose’ possibly, but it did make sense. These sorts of shenanigans were right up his alley.
Reading my mind in that unnerving way I had grown up accustomed to, MAYHEM raised his knobbly hands and smiled a broad, kind smile.
“Please Master. You misunderstand me. I am laughing because, well, you simply couldn’t be more wrong.”
At this point the entire Cabinet burst into fits of giggles. It was horrifying. Even REPRESSION woke up long enough to cackle some spit down his trousers. I felt as though I had just had it explained to me in words of one syllable that two plus two equalled a bag of turnips.
MAYHEM continued, his smile reaching unparalleled smugness.
“Do you know what has changed since your… since you took over?”
I shook my head.
“Absolutely nothing!” Cries of ‘HERE, HERE’ and table thumping filled the room. CHAOS blew her nose behind me and gave a muffled chirrup from behind the tissue. Two plus two now equalled a bag of turnips and a cold Tuesday afternoon in November.
“I. I don’t understand.”
MAYHEM leaned towards me, holding out his hands across the table, though not actually reaching me.
“Master, do you have any idea how magnificent ‘nothing’ is?”
A bag of turnips, a cold Tuesday afternoon in November and a one-eyed squirrel that insists you address him as ‘Desmond, Lord of all Toasters.’
“Master, the last time there was a succession of this magnitude, everything descended into ME.” I watched closely to see what I was missing. MAYHEM was exuberant.
“Your Dad couldn’t keep a handle on things. He tottered off to the other THREE and forced a hard reset just to clear up all the mess. So the fact that everything has been so steady, so uninterrupted, so… nothing is nothing short of miraculous, Master.” Wild cheering echoed around the room, bouncing off every surface - a tsunami of congratulation. CHAOS was crying again. I was totally blown away. Not only were they happy for me, but they were also rooting for me.
MAYHEM leaned in amid the cheering, looked me deep in the hood and whispered, “You’ve got this kid.”
I floated out of the room moments later while the cheering and thumping continued. They thought I was good enough. I was good enough – I was better than he was. It had all gone to shit immediately when he took over, whereas I was smooth sailing.
I decided then and there never to let them down. He thought I would fail, they knew I wouldn’t. I was going to work harder than ever to repay them for their faith in me. I was going to make things better, not to prove him wrong for leaving, but to prove them right for staying.
Next time we’ll see how DEATH is handling her new role after this initial triumph!
If you liked the piece above and want to know what happens to our new DEATH next, why not…
Aaaaaaand finally…
If you, like me, enjoy twists on familiar Fairy Tales (which are, in their own turn, twists on older stories, which in turn, in turn, in turn…) then you can’t go wrong with this beautiful piece from
of the Forgotten Library. Enjoy!
As always, thank you for reading. Stay fresh cheese bags!
Ben
Thank you so much for restacking! 🙌